OK, guys, lemme be real: I’m REALLY phoning this one in. My car, which has had some sort of mysterious starter issue, was in the shop for two months before I got it back on Monday. Last night, while I was in the theater to see a movie, my car died in the parking lot…which I discovered at midnight. I couldn’t get a tow truck until 3am, at which point I had to either pay for a cab home or sleep at the dealership. I chose the latter, but it was cold (like 39 degrees cold), and I didn’t have a winter jacket. So, I’m currently at work early because…where else was I to go? So, yeah…I’m caffeinated, underslept, and everything. So, forgive the lateness of this thing, and any and all reading issues contained herein. On with the show…
From the mind of the 1313 series of super-soft-core non-gay non-horror, and the infamous A Talking Cat?!?, comes the tale of A Christmas Puppy. But, there is one thing wrong with the title of A Christmas Puppy, namely that there isn’t really a puppy in the movie. There’s a dog, but he’s kind of old and sleepy in the corner. The original title of A Christmas Puppy was Christmas Spirit, in which some obnoxious family – with a hot but kind of sulky teenage boy – who lost the meaning of Christmas is visited by Vanessa Angel and a house full of Christmas Grumps, so they can rediscover themselves and find the joy in their lives that has been sapped away through time and togetherness.
This is a latter day David DeCoteau joint through and through, with some really unfortunate dialogue and highly incestuous themes (“Daddy’s getting very moist out here.”), a lead actor who could probably have a future in an emo Abercrombie and Fitch Catalog, and bizarre special guests (Maureen McCormick and Jason Brooks). Plus, it is set in the infamous DeCoteau mansion (that actually wasn’t his mansion, but was featured in almost every feature he made for 4 years before it went up for sale).
The real reason I’m recommending it is because I love the levels of ineptitude on display in DeCoteau’s films. Where I can pull apart mundane workman choices in any given Hallmark movie often dictated by the low budgets (they’re usually made for under $500k), DeCoteau’s post-2004 body of work is littered with amateur scripts, amateur actors, bad lighting, staggeringly bad camerawork, weird costumes found in the used bin store, and a complete commitment to a no-budget aesthetic. They’re fascinating works of tasteless art that have no real reason for existence, but are somehow more fascinating as artistic attempts because of their consistency and their inconsistency.
One of these days, I may run the series of 1313, but, for now, enjoy A Christmas Puppy. Fun for the whole family.
