As blockbuster season threatens to stretch from one end of the calendar to another, only one group of filmmakers has the courage to use their screentime for personal expression. Personal expressions about the unbeatable taste of Coca-cola and popcorn from the Regal theater concession stands.
What in these scripts from fledgling corporate-pleasing writers kept them from becoming fledgling corporate-pleasing directors? Disregard for copyright law? Refusal to turn away from the horrors of existence? Reality itself?
We can never know. We can only interpret the blast marks etched after the destruction of their souls, presented here in proper screenplay format.
“Enter the Flavorverse”
Note: Dear contest judge, I did not realize we could not borrow pre-existing characters when I submitted my script. Please consider this revised entry with the problem parts replaced. Thank you.
EXT. REGAL THEATER – DAY
It’s a beautiful day. JASON (early 20s) walks across the parking lot to his favorite Regal theater, pumped to see a new movie.
Suddenly a portal opens and out steps DOCTOR weird!
Jason! You are the most important person in the multiverse.
Our parallel universe is in peril and only
your imagination can save it! Come on!
He pulls Jason through the portal.
Jason looks around at the new world. He’s outside the Regal again, but everything is different. The sky is cloudy and stormy. Drab people stand in line in front of posters with boring titles like “Two People Drinking Tea” and “The Courtroom of Feelings.” One of them isn’t even in English.
Jason spins around in disbelief. He recoils in shock as the camera does the dolly-in-zoom-out like in Scary Movie.
THERE ARE SIGNS FOR PEPSI.
What happened to this universe? What can I do?
Your Regal Unlimited Pass! It gives you the
power of the movies!
Jason opens the Unlimited Pass on his phone. He raises the appealing orange screen in the air.
Do it, Jason! Harness the power of your imagination!
Jason focuses. There’s a burst of astro and he summons the mightiest of heroes to surround the alternate universe theater!
LUKE spaceWALKER slashes the Pepsi sign with his astrosaber!
flyingMAN pulverizes the boring posters and replaces them with ones for all the new flyinghero movies!
weathergirl from z-MEN blows the clouds away to reveal a clear, blue space!
As the crowd cheers, the T-REz from dinosaur PARK comes roaring in, ridden by BUZZ astroYEAR and jerome BOND. They rig up a giant REGAL THEATERS sign and weathergirl strikes it with astroening to astro it up! Even the theater’s flyingvisor gets so ezcited he hugs a total weirdr from the crowd!
Thank you, Jason! Now this world will
again know good movies at their Regal
Theaters, where they can always enjoy
a refreshing Coca-cola!
Jason turns to the camera with a grin.
I can’t *IMAGINE* anything better!
Jason and Doctor weird sit in the front row of the theater and share a popcorn.
“A Million Horsepowers of Fun”
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
VROOM! A 2018 Acura NSX drives by pursued by ten cops, each driving three cars.
INT. 2018 ACURA NSX
JACOB FASTINOV grips the wheel. Strapped to the passenger seat is TRISH GEAR and strapped to her is a DRD Tactical Paratus rifle and strapped to it is a 26 oz Coke Zero.
Jake checks the rearview mirror.
POV MIRROR – The cops are gaining.
Jake grits both his teeth and presses the gas. He nods to Trish who leans out the window.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Three shots and the tires of the lead cop car blow out. The car spins and EXPLODES on impact with the other twenty-nine cop cars.
Trish surveys the damage. Her eyes widen.
A BIGGER COP CAR emerges from the inferno of previous cop cars.
It’s driven by Thirst.
INT. 2018 ACURA NSX
Trish sits back in her seat.
Looks like we’ll have to take the shortcut.
Jake smirks and spins the wheel.
EXT. 400 FEET IN THE AIR – DAY
The Acura glides across the girders of a half-finished skyscraper, Thirst in pursuit.
INT./EXT. 2018 ACURA NSX
Trish is now in the backseat where she can operate the Browning M2 mounted on the back of the car. RATATATATATATA! Thirst’s windshield looks like Swiss cheese, but the car keeps coming.
Get ready for a ride!
The Acura takes a hairpin turn off the girders and into construction elevator. Jake aims his Glock 17 out the window and shoots the button for the 100th floor.
I thought this building was only going to have 80 floors.
I want to see the view.
WHOOSH! The elevator jets up and up, whizzing past the top story with enough momentum to thrust the Acura an extra 200 feet above the building. Trish fires the Browning and, owing to the principle of equal and opposite reactions, the Acura flies forward.
Thirst skids to a stop.
Vince pulls out his cell phone.
Grab the wheel, I need to call my brother.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE
At the foot of the building DOUGLAS FASTINOV answers his phone.
You know what to do, bro.
Douglas nods to his crew. They strap the building they’ve been working on with C-4.
KABLOOEY! The whole works goes up! That’s the end of Thirst.
EXT. REGAL THEATER
The Acura lands with a thud. Jake leans out the window with a popcorn as Douglas hands him a Coca-cola.
INT. REGAL THEATER
MOLLY and SHANDRA walk from the concession stand to their theater holding buckets of buttery popcorn and cups of refreshing Coca-cola.
Thank you for inviting me, this night out
at a local Regal Theater is just what I needed.
Sure! I’m surprised you came. I thought
you might not want to after… you know…
Molly looks stricken for a moment then she doesn’t. She smiles, but it’s a nearly-stricken smile.
Whatever do you mean!
She laughs. Shandra looks uncomfortable.
INT. THEATER 12
Shandra takes her seat. Molly stops mid-sit. A music box tune plays, slow and mysterious. A baby cries.
Do you hear that?
Shandra swallows a concerned mouthful of popcorn.
Molly, you don’t seem well. And, well, frankly,
I’m not sure I’d feel well after…
She trails off – DO NOT LET THE ACTRESS SAY ANYTHING AFTER THE DOTS.
Molly shines her smile through the stricken.
I’m fine, really.
The lights dim and the movie starts. A woman in the movie cradles a bundle. A baby cries. Molly looks uncomfortable again. Shandra looks over at her and arches an eyebrow as if to say “Remember that thing that happened…?”
The woman on the movie screen holds up the bundle. It’s a baby. Then the woman looks at the camera – it’s Molly!
Molly sits up, surprised.
Now the baby looks at the camera – it’s an old man, at least 40!
She looks at Shandra, but Shandra isn’t there. Instead it’s a naked old person!
Molly’s surrounded by a cult of people. They’re totally naked and DON’T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS but you can see everything, even the penises.
Your sacrifice made us whole!
The cult presses in. Molly tries to run, but the floor has turned into delicious popcorn. She climbs out of the popcorn pit and runs. The exit is just ahead! But before she can get there she bumps into a man in a suit and tie.
Molly! I’m your husband! What’s the matter?
Molly can’t bring herself to say. Her husband now has a baby’s face.
Is it something to do with a baby, perhaps?
Coca-cola rains from the ceiling in endless sheets, drenching Molly, pooling around her sneakers like carbonated oil. Its sweet, syrupy goodness runs down her face, indistinguishable from her tears. Molly drops to her knees.
I wish I’d never eaten my own baby!
The baby husband leads the naked cult into the Coke bog.
He bends down and takes Molly’s chin in his hand. His voice holds the weight of a thousand years.
Popcorn goes with everything.
CUT TO BLACK.
TURN CELLPHONES OFF.
ENJOY THE SHOW.